So much has been heavy on my heart lately. I guess with the New Year comes new reflections and goals. One thing I have always had a hard time talking about is my motherhood journey on social media. Maybe that's from the negative people who have said hurtful things unknowingly during a time I desperately needed them to listen.
This year I'm opening up. Wholeheartedly, I hope this reaches those who need to know it is okay to share your story. Sharing my story has been part of my healing process.
What if a photograph is the only thing you have left to cling to? I ask this question often because I've lived it for over seven years now. I thought it would never happen to me.
On May 3rd, 2015 - I went into labor and delivery alone by choice at 29 weeks gestation. I thought I was just being a paranoid pregnant twin mom. Little did I know I would be leaving the hospital with only one baby 3 days later. The whole world stopped that night in our world. I can still replay that nightmare hour by hour in my head. The sound of my twin sons last heartbeats. I remember the doctors and nurses names. The way my husband walked into the delivery room excited for a early delivery of twin boys, and the way he dropped to his knees when the nurse had to break the devastating news to him because I couldn't even speak. I remember doctors going back and forth about planning to send me home, and praying God to please let my body go into labor because I knew I couldn't bare the pain my heart was feeling.
The next day God answered my prayers. My body went into active labor. Since I had a past history with high risk pregnancies and premature babies it was decided I would be transferred to a higher level of hospital care. On day of three (May 6th 2015) I was prepped for a c-section, in a cold quiet operating room I delivered two beautiful twin boys. I'll never forget the weeping of all who was in the room that day.
Once the babies were delivered I was so shook up I had no desire to hold them. I was terrified of the what ifs. Baby A was so ill he was rush to NICU. I already knew Baby B had entered the gates of heaven, but my heart didn't want to face reality. There were so many unknowns in that moment. Down to my core I had made up my mind that I wasn't holding them. Once I was moved from recovery, my husband came in talking about how beautiful Baby B was and asked once more if I would give it more thought about holding him. The door to my room was slightly open. I saw the nurse walk by with him & that's when I had a change of heart. I held my sleeping angel. I cried and sang to him. I let him know how deeply loved he was and I finally gave him back to Jesus when my time was up.
Grieving the loss of a twin son and trying to be joyful at the same time for the surviving twin son is an indescribable emotion I still can't explain. All I have is 3x5 pixelated photographs that the hospital took on a small outdated digital camera & the blurry pictures the family took on their cell phones as we all stood together for our final goodbyes. I’m forever grateful for the moments captured and the time I spent with him in my arms.
You can leave behind many materialistic things in life but photographs will always be cherished amongst your families. Without photographs, we would have no proof of history.
“Without a doubt every photograph captured through the view finder of my camera is kissed by my sleeping angel in heaven."
In loving memory of Cohen Jack Rust & all the sleeping angels in heaven.